Memoirs of a Gay Jock 19

[luvyalots]

Previously, Will has a talk with the modeling agency rep and Danny suffers a serious shoulder injury during a football game...

Sunday, September 17, 2006:

I had to pick Duane up from work today since his mom was working ? she was able to get extra hours ? and Danny obviously still can?t drive because of his shoulder. I hadn?t hung out with Duane in a while anyway.

He was standing outside the Walmart waiting for me, cheerful as always. Frankly, I don?t know how he stays so calm when the rest of his family is nuts. His mom is always bitching about this or that and now that Danny is home essentially all the time, his friends ? and girlfriends ? are constantly over and making his mom even crazier. Maybe that?s why he actually likes working at Walmart ? compared to home, it?s probably a zen garden. Plus, Duane said, since Danny isn?t working out right now, he doesn?t come in as much wanting his employee discount to buy supplements and stuff.

Anyway, when we got back to his place, there were three cars sitting outside ? big surprise, Danny had friends over. Sure enough, the smell of pizza hit our nose as soon as we walked in and I instantly got hungry ? I had just worked out that afternoon and hadn?t eaten yet. Danny?s face brightened when he saw me ? he was sitting on the couch, shoving a slice of pizza in his mouth ? and asked if I wanted some. I immediately said yes and grabbed a slice.

There were three other guys there ? all jocks, of course, since I recognized them. This guy?s a model, Danny said, as if he were bragging about it. No shit, one of his friends said. You must get a whole lot of pussy. I laughed and said I get some. You should see his abs, Danny went on, they?re insane. I rolled my eyes, knowing what was coming next. After a little urging, I lifted my shirt and flex my eight-pack. Fuck, they all gasped almost in unison. I guess they had never seen abs like mine before. I mean, I?m ripped to shreds and all, but it?s not like I have the best abs in the world or anything.

Naturally, they started asking me things like how much I bench, how much I squat ? you know, typical high school jock stuff. They seemed genuinely impressed, especially since I apparently could lift about as much as they could despite them being bigger. Danny can outlift me in just about everything, I said, nodding over to him. He got this look of pride on his face. Well, not right now, one of his friends said, laughing. Danny laughed along, but he didn?t seem too happy about that remark. Wait till my shoulder heals, he shot back, I?ll be a fucking beast when I get back in the gym.

I looked over at Duane who was leaning against the wall, waiting patiently for me. I told Danny and his friends I?d see them later and went with Duane into the other room to watch TV. So how is modeling going, he asked me. I shrugged and said fine. I had told him about Steele calling me a faggot. I haven?t seen him since ? Ryan had stayed true to his word and scheduled us in separate shoots.

Then Duane asked about Brett. I sighed ? which made him apologize for bringing him up. To tell you the truth, I told him, I miss him. Duane gave me look as if to say ?duh,? and said, why don?t you just talk to him. I rolled my eyes and reminded him how Brett was being self-centered near the end of our relationship and how he wasn?t pay attention to me.

Can I be brutally honest for a moment, Duane suddenly asked. I looked right at him and could tell I probably wasn?t going to like what he was about to say, but I nodded anyway. He went on: Brett could probably say the same exact thing about you. What could I say to that? I mean, I had no idea how to respond. I know you?ve been through a lot, Duane continued, and you?ve had a lot of shit thrown at you, but you have to admit?you kinda messed up on this one. I think he really liked you. I could tell in Duane?s eyes that this wasn?t easy for him to say to his face, but he must have thought it important.

Had I really been the one who was self-centered instead of Brett? Looking back on it, maybe. It was when I was just thinking about getting into modeling, I was putting on muscle like crazy?I guess I did let it get to my head a little bit. Brett had never really ever done anything against me ? he never cheated on me or betrayed me in any way. The least I owed him was an apology?even if it was months after we broke up.

As soon as I got home, I sent Brett a message on facebook. I hope to God he responds ? I admit that I would really like to see him again.


Wednesday, September 20, 2006:

So?Brett actually got back to me on facebook yesterday ? I honestly didn?t think he would. I told him I was sorry for the way I acted last summer and that it was all my fault. He asked if I wanted to meet him somewhere ? again, wasn?t expecting that. So we decided to meet today at the Dunkin Donuts, the same Dunkin Donuts where we first met.

I swear my heart skipped a beat when I arrived and saw him sitting there, sipping a cup of coffee. God, I missed everything about him ? that curly brown hair, those dimples, those deep blue eyes, that aw-shucks smile. And when I hugged him, I caught a whiff of his cologne that immediately brought back memories of us together. He looked just as good as always ? I told him that. His broad shoulders, thick chest, wide lats against my biceps ? he obviously hadn?t skimped on his workouts since the summer.

You look good, he said, his deep, quiet voice making me blush. I told him about how I started modeling over the summer and he congratulated me, congratulating me for going out and doing it ? the whole time we dated he always told me I should be a model. But there was something in the sound of his voice that made me uneasy.

I apologized again as we sat down. He shook his head and touched my hand, instantly stopping me. It is what it is, he said, looking straight at me and biting his lip. I don?t regret anything that happened and it was great being with you and all, but ? here?s where the other shoe dropped ? I?ve moved on.

Let me just say that I wasn?t really expecting to get back together with Brett right way, but I thought that maybe we?d start making up and eventually get back to the way we were. I mean, something told me even before today that he had a new boyfriend ? a guy with his looks can?t be single for long. Sure enough, he does ? some guy named Frank ? and they?ve been dating since July.

He must?ve seen the disappointment in my face and started saying how we could still hang out, maybe work out every once in a while ? Frank isn?t as much a meathead, he said?and those were his words.

A meathead, I asked him, is that what you see me as? Brett bit his lip again and shook his head defensively and that?s when I realized that he really had moved on. I could tell by the way he kept looking at me that he did love me ? probably as much as I loved him ? but we were never going to be what we once were.

This is the second time I?ve had my heart broken ? the first being with Johnny. But what really pisses me off, though, is that this time I could have prevented it. Duane was right ? this one was totally my fault. If only I hadn?t been so self-centered and listen more to Brett, we?d probably still be together. How could I have been so stupid?


Saturday, September 30, 2006:

It?s been over a week since Brett and I officially broke up ? though we?d been separated for months ? but it still hurts. His voice is still echoing in my head ? how he was moving on, how he already had a new boyfriend, how he saw me as just a meathead. Those last words really stung ? am I really just a meathead? I mean, am I that useless? Like I?m just some loser who pushes weight around in the gym?

That?s what has been on my mind this past week or so. Looking back on the past few years, I really haven?t done much with my life. When I first went to Mitchell State, I had a lot going for me ? I was doing track, I had good grades, I had an awesome boyfriend. Everything was going great. Now? I should been graduating college this spring with an actual degree in something ? you know, starting a career. Nope, I have no chance of getting that now. Here I am, 21 years old, a college dropout and the only real job I?ve had was supervising the high school weight room.

I know I?m modeling and all ? at least I have the body and good looks to do that ? but that?s not going to last forever. And there?s no way I?m going to be able to make a living out of it ? not with having to deal with people like Steele every day. I need an actual career ? something I can do for the rest of my life, something I can feel accomplished about doing.

Even all my relationships have failed dismally. First, there was Johnny. He was perfect ? he was the one, I?m sure of it ? but he had to go and deal steroids to football players or whatever and get put in prison. I mean, I can?t really take full blame for that, but what if I had been more aware of what he was doing, what he was doing behind my back. I could?ve stopped him or something, or at least prevented him getting arrested.

Then there was Steve ? I really rushed into that one. I guess I so badly wanted to fill that void that Johnny left, I grabbed the first guy I could find. I never really had any feelings for him at all. In fact, the only thing I probably got out of that relationship was sexual experience ? that?s all we did. I do feel a little guilty about acting like a dick to him toward the end?which is what I was, looking back on it.

And finally, Brett. This one probably hurts the most because it was all me ? I can?t blame this one on anything or anyone else. I think we both genuinely cared for each other at the beginning, but then I had to go and get so big-headed and narcissistic with the modeling and everything that went with it that I ended up pushing him away. And worst of all, when he was trying to help me realize it, I blew up in his face and completely turned him off. I saw the look on his face the other day at Dunkin Donuts ? even though he was breaking up with me, it was like he was lifting a big weight off his shoulders.

About the only thing I have going for me in my life is modeling?and even that is starting to seem disappointing. I?m not getting called in as much anymore ? mainly because they have to schedule me around Steele and Bryan ? and it?s just not as exciting and glamorous as it once was.


Saturday, October 7, 2006:

As if I didn?t already feel like crap, last night made things even worse. Seriously, it almost makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. Where the fuck do I start?

Ok, so classes have been sucking lately and even modeling is boring as hell ? we?ve been doing a series of Prom catalogs so all I?ve been doing is standing around trying to look serious in a bunch of tuxedos. Trust me, it?s not as great as it sounds. Plus, Geoff was in a really pissy mood and nearly walked out on everybody ? the other models said it had to do with something Steele did the day before?whatever.

After the shoot, I spent an hour at the gym, mainly just to keep in shape and came home craving a beer and the leftover chicken my mom had made the few nights ago. But of course, there was no beer in the fridge and the chicken was already gone ? my mom must have brought it with her to work for lunch. Not only that, but she was out on a date ? even my own mother has a better love life than I do ? and there was absolutely nothing in the house to put together to eat, not even a TV dinner. So I ordered a pizza and stepped into the shower.

As soon as I got out ? I still had just a towel on, in fact ? I get a phone call from Danny asking if I wanted to hang out. I chuckled and said something like what, are all your football buddies out on dates? He hawed sarcastically and said that no, all his football buddies were playing a football game?a football game that he couldn?t play in. I mentally smacked myself in the head ? duh, it?s Friday night and the guy can?t play cause of his shoulder. I told him I?d be right over with the pizza I had already ordered.

Thirty minutes later, Danny and I were sitting in his basement, scarfing down the pizza and bullshitting about stuff. I told him about Brett and he was like, man that sucks. Then, he told me how this one girl he was banging found out about this other girl he was banging and she got pissed because she thought they were seriously dating ? or was it the other way around? Anyway, it ended up with one of the girls pouring an entire bottle of Powerade on Danny?s head during lunch. I started laughing. Do you know how hard it is to get that shit out of your hair, he said.

I asked him how his shoulder was. Danny just shook his head and said it was killing him. Apparently, it?s just beginning to heal, but he?s going to be out longer than the doctors originally said. I?m starting physical therapy soon, he explained, but it looks like the rest of football season and at least part of wrestling season is done for me.

Now that really sucks, I said. You have to feel for the kid. I mean, he?s worked his ass off the last couple of years and then with a possible college scholarship an arm?s length away, one stupid play fucks him up. Then he said the thing that wish he never had said that night:

I could so use a smoke right now.

I knew he was talking about pot and even though we had never smoked together, he had always talked about how he wanted to. Frankly, I should have said no, but I couldn?t resist ? I needed to just forget about things for a while and relax.

Within fifteen minutes, Danny had called someone up and scheduled a meet ? I guess being the popular guy in school has its perks ? and the two of us drove out to get it. Back at his place, Danny made a makeshift bong out of a plastic water bottle ? he burned two little holes near the bottom, one for the blunt and the other to cover with your finger.

At first, everything was fine ? we were just sitting on the couch in his basement taking turns getting a hit. Then, he gazed over at the weight bench across the room and asked me how much I could bench. I shrugged and said I hadn?t maxed out in a while, but I self-confidently said I could easily lift whatever was already loaded on the bar ? which looked to be about 225 pounds.

Danny gave me this look as if to say, you wanna bet. Stripping off my shirt, I went over to the bench and lay down. Without so much as a prep, I punched out 10 easy reps, though I?ll admit the last few were a little rough. I don?t know if you?ve ever lifted weights while high, but shit, it?s such a weird feeling ? I could actually every individual fiber of muscle stretch across my chest and my triceps felt like they were exploding out of my skin. I mean, I?ve lifted heavier than what was on there, but it never felt that awesome.

Dude, I told Danny, you gotta try this, man! Yeah, I know, I completely forgot about his shoulder. He got up, stripped his own shirt off and got under the bar. Thank God I was there spotting him, cause he unracked the bar, bounced the thing off his chest and did one rep before the pain caught up with him ? I guess even a gram of pot wasn?t enough to numb it. He screamed out a FUUUUCK and practically threw the bar at me ? luckily I caught it well enough to ease it back to the supports.

Sorry, man, I immediately said, helping him back to the couch. That was stupid, he laughed, getting up and looking in a full-length mirror. He gingerly moved his arm around, wincing every time his arm got above parallel ? thankfully, he didn?t seem to have injured it any more. He started rubbing his shoulder and that?s when I did something I regret.

I came up behind him and said, let me take a look at it. I totally meant well by it, but as soon as I started massaging Danny?s shoulder, I felt myself getting hard. I know, it gets worse. I remember looking at him in the mirror and thinking how good-looking the guy actually was. I mean, I never really realized it until then ? the golden blond hair, the bright blue eyes, the flawless skin ? it?s no wonder he gets so much pussy. And as I kept rubbing his shoulder, feeling all that muscle underneath my fingers, I began to notice how his traps arched up to his thick neck, how his pecs pushed out from his chest ? I remember thinking, Danny Matthews was actually kinda hot.

He closed his eyes and leaned his head back a bit, thanking me and telling me I was making it feel better. I should?ve stopped there but I didn?t. We went back to the couch and ? I don?t know if it was the pot or the fact that I was tired ? I began to curl up next to him with my head against his pec. It was like a firm pillow ? hard muscle beneath a layer of soft fat ? and it was warm against my cheek. I remember closing my eyes and listening to his heartbeat, letting the pot cloud my mind.

My hand was on top of his bare stomach. Danny didn?t have abs like mine ? never did ? but I could tell there was nothing but muscle underneath. I looked further down and noticed a definite bulge in his pants ? that massage had apparently aroused him, too. Without thinking, I slowly slid my hand under his pants and to his dick. It felt warm and thick. He moaned softly ? his eyes were still closed and he was leaning back on the couch. Then, I began to jack him off.

I don?t know exactly why I did it and I?m definitely not proud of it, but he certainly seemed to enjoy it. After a couple of minutes, he moved his hand down toward mine ? at first I thought he was going to stop me or something but he ended up unzipping his pants and letting his cock free. It tumbled out completely, allowing my hand better access. It wasn?t big by a long shot ? certainly not the biggest I?ve seen ? but it was pretty thick.

He urged me to keep going?so I did. A few more minutes passed and the both of us were starting to get a little worked up. Before I knew it, I was on my knees in front of him, his pants around his ankles with my hands on his beefy thighs?you know?giving him head. Yeah, you heard me right?I blew Danny Matthews. It didn?t take him long to blow his load and I swallowed every last drop ? after my last few boyfriends, his was nothing.

Once we calmed down, I went back next to him with my head on his chest ? I?ll admit it was very comfortable. I don?t know how long we lay there like that, but I remember eventually waking up in the same position, but with one of his arms wrapped around me. His pants were still down and his dick ? now flaccid ? was dangling between his legs. I stirred, causing him to wake up. He looked at me groggily, looking totally confused.

Then, I kissed him.

Yeah, that?s right. I leaned over and planted one right on his lips like he was my boyfriend and we had just woken up from a post-coital sleep. As soon as we touched, I knew it was a mistake ? he didn?t kiss me back. That?s when Danny woke up for real. His eyes when wide and his head jerked away, his arms pushing me off of him so hard that I nearly fell off the couch.

What the fuck, he said. I immediately apologized, but then he looked down at his buck-naked torso and it seemed to dawn on him what had just happened. What the fuck, man, he said again and I swore he was going to punch me in the face. He sprung off the couch and pulled his pants up. At this point, I couldn?t even look at him I was so ashamed.

Needless to say, I high-tailed it out of there ? it was already morning ? and headed straight home. Without stopping, I went up to my room and started throwing pillows against the wall ? they were the first things I grabbed. To say that I was angry with myself is an understatement ? I?m fucking PISSED! How did I have such lapse in judgment? Danny isn?t some random guy ? he?s my best friend?s little brother?my only friend?s little brother. I mean, at least he?s 18 and all, but he?s still almost four years younger than me and he isn?t even gay!

I?ll be surprised if Danny ? or Duane, if he ever finds out ? ever talk to me again.

[MonsterMash62]

This is one of the best stories I've read on this site. Nice work.
Now did it have to be a cliff hanger? (yes, yes it did).

[Mdlftr]

Really excellent writing. The introspection of this narrator is really unique. Well done!

Mdlftr

[philat99]

Great work! Mental turmoil at its best!!!

[speedoTrap]

I got a real rush out of this story. A good read for a sunday morning sofa read .... many thanks.

[muscleboi25]

I was hoping something would happen with these two, it seemed like there was a mutual intereset. I am interested to see what Danny will do now that they have had this experience.

[mslheet]

awesome story. keep it up!

[dickasauras]

It's a shame this story has been finished.

[luvyalots]

It's not finished...I just haven't had the time to keep working on it...plus, my computer recently crashed and I lost everything...all in due time...

[Mass Driver]

Is it due time yet?
This has been such a great ongoing story.
Please keep going.
And Please do...
Keep Writing.

MD