Footnotes From The Unauthorized Version - Part 10

[tekuno]

Content warnings and description for this story accompany part 1.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

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After all the hand-wringing over the other story, it's a lot of fun to write this, which is silly and light. Tomorrow I may make a start on the other stories, too, because writing this part got me in the mood to write.

Back when I started this story -- and still intended it to be posted in one lump -- I had a lot of fun, especially writing up the ending which is in store. Then I hit a wall of writer's block specific to this story and stopped for a long time. It has taken me a while to get back into the swing of things, but I had a lot of fun writing this part, and I think most of you will enjoy it too. There's more actual muscle growth in store, fear not -- but I have some other things planned for the characters to do along the way, so it has to be rationed out.

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Footnotes From The Unauthorized Version
Part 10

{ Late the next morning, Adrian and Miguel were awakened by the doorbell. Miguel blearily got up and buzzed through the grocery delivery. Just as an experiment, he put a loaf of bread on the kitchen table and activated the cleaning robot to see what it would do. After a moment, it rolled to the table and spent about fifteen seconds examining the bread. Then it reached out with one of its general-purpose arms, picked up the bread, rolled to the breadbox, and put the loaf away, before retiring to its corner and deactivating. With a grin, Miguel dumped the grocery bags out on the table, tossed the bags in a corner, turned on the robot, and headed back to bed. }

{ Adrian woke him a few hours later. After the now-customary time spent satisfying their libidos, they finally headed for the kitchen in search of breakfast. }

"Wait until you see this, Adrian -- the cleaning robot put away all the groceries for us!"

"So?"

"What do you mean 'so'? It's amazing that the robot can do that!"

"Miguel, think about it for a minute. The robot could hardly clean the kitchen properly if it couldn't recognize which items weren't garbage and didn't know where they were stored. It's not amazing, it's trivial."

"Huh. Just wait till you see-- oh, crap!"

{ The kitchen was entirely clean. Except for the front of the refrigerator. The paper bags from the grocery store had been glued to the front with maple syrup, and in huge capital letters, written in bright yellow mustard and underlined in blood-red catsup, was written "PUT AWAY YOUR OWN DAMNED GROCERIES NEXT TIME, YOU SLOB." }

{ The brothers stood silently for a moment, and then Adrian spoke, in a deliberately over-casual tone. }

"So, did I mention that I reworked the programming in the kitchen robot to use some of the same subroutines as the house AI I've been designing?"

"Aren't robots supposed to obey orders from humans unless the orders put them in danger, or something like that? Three laws?"

"That was in Asimov. Do you think we're living in a science fiction story?"

{ Miguel let out a roar. Putting Adrian in a headlock, he rapped Adrian's head against the kitchen table to emphasize his words. }

"Do - You - Purposely - Create - These - Things - To - Annoy - Me - You - Chimpanzee? What happened to that shy, innocent brother I used to know? The one who was helpful?"

"Obviously, as I get more and more intelligent, my actions are getting wiser and wiser. So if you're annoyed by them it just means you're really stup--"

"Shut up, you mindless macaw! Look over there!"

{ Miguel used his grip on Adrians neck to hoist him in the air and turned him to the garbage can. }

"That damned robot has wasted all the syrup on that stupid prank. We still have no clothing, so we can't go buy any ourselves, and the grocery store will take at least two days to deliver. I won't be able to start on the research until then!"

"So what? And please don't get in the habit of lifting people by the neck."

"Shut up, you caterpillar! I'm bored stiff! Have any suggestions what I should do in the meantime?"

{ Adrian gave Miguel a Look. }

"Miguel, you're one of the two most intelligent beings in the world, you live in a house which has a 5,000-volume library and an Internet connection faster than most colleges, a hundred-odd channels of television, and you can't think of anything to do?"

"No, Adrian, I'm boooooooored."

"Fine. We'll ask the AI to give you a task."

"That computer hates me!"

"No, I think it was just teasing you. Besides, I'll be the one asking, and you don't think it hates me, do you?"

{ The two made their way to the lab, where Adrian turned on the computer. }

*Click* (( Realtime Autonomous Lifelike Personality Host version Zero Point Five One. All rights reserved, More and More Technologies Limited. Booting Core Modules. )) *Click* (( Startin' ups. Da time is now one thoiteen Pee Em. Oh, hey, look who's back. Hmmm. Th' Dummy sez youse ain't done nuttin' wit' da syrups yet. Accessin' security footage. Hmmm. Heh. Soives ya right, ya lazy bum! Din't even say 'please'! )) *Click*

"As though I'm going to bow and scrape to a machine I built! Besides, that's its job!"

*Click* (( Oooo, ya gots me dere, Mista Slob. If'n youse hads a kid -- which may god ferbid, da world gots enuf idjits alreddy -- an' youse had him washin' da dishes every night, wouldja be delib'ritely makin' extra dirty dishes? An' wouldja really neva giv'em a 'please' or a 'thank you'? Yer not out bonin' chicks, Miguel, so yer robots is as close as youse is gonna come to havin' kids. Mebbe you don' care none about yer posterity, but dere ain't no need to act like a jerk all gratuitous-like. )) *Click*

"Enough, you two. Computer, Miguel says he's bored. Come up with a project for him to work on."

"How come you don't have to say please?"

*Click* (( Partially cuz he's da only guy in da whole world who can fix me up so's I don't keep crashin', and partly he doesn't needs to cuz he treats me all friendly an' egalitarian. Gee, whadda surprisin' development dis is! Da posta child fer arrested development is bored. Well, gimma a minnit, here. Let's see if we can put alls a' dem brains youse is s'poseta have to work on somepin' worthwhile and helpful-like. )) *Click*

"Told you it hates me."

"Hush."

*Click* (( Okay, lissen up, whiz kids. What Miguel needs ta do is-- say, Boss, could ya maybe hook me up wit' a MIDI interface? Den I could gives ya a real drum roll for dis kinds a' t'ing. )) *Click*

"Get on with it, computer."

*Click* (( No needs ta get huffy. I'm gettin' to it. What Miguel needs ta do is beeeeeeeeyooooo flaflaflaflaflafla phooon nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ERROR IN MODULE BROCA.CORE LINE 5622 SYSTEM ERROR CODE 14 SHUTTING DOWN )) *Click*

"Oh, great."

*Click* (( Just kiddin', peoples. So sorry, couldn't resist)) *Click*

"Adrian, I want to build this thing a body so I can beat its head in."

*Click* (( Well, tall, dork, an' hellspawn, if youse can't takes a joke, youse can go an asks da kitchen robot fer an opinion. Now den: takin' inta account what I'm seein' in da security footage, dere's an obvious answer to yer problem. Bring me... a shrubbery! )) *Click*

"Huh?"

*Click* (( Geez, yer a real winner, ain't youse. No initiative, no sense a' humor, don' even reckanize cultural refs... didja shack up wit' yer bro cuz nobody else could tolerate cha? Never mind, Docta Zoidberg. Yer challenge fer da week is ta make yer car work wit'out gas or bat'ries. )) *Click*

"What? Why?"

*Click* (( Cuz I said so, dipstick! You cames ta me to get an assignment, an' I'm assignin'! )) *Click*

"How am I supposed to do that?"

*Click* (( That's fer me ta knows an' youse ta finds out! Lissen, whiz kid, yer s'posta be some kinda genius. I can think a' four different ways ta do dis t'ing. If youse can't fix up even one of 'em, den youse has lost ta me on da very foist challenge. How many ways does ya t'ink I can rub dat in? Mebba I'll hack inta da government systems an' have yer name changed ta 'stupid'. )) *Click*

{ Without a word, Miguel stood up, glared at the computer, and stomped off to the garage. }

*Click* (( Whew! Did I do all right? I hadda improvise a li'l bit dere. )) *Click*

"You did fine, computer. When he's done, just give him the next one in the list."

*Click* (( Yer sure he won't just come in an' beat my case in wit' a wrench? )) *Click*

"Now that you mention it, no. I'd better add some backup mechanisms to you. And maybe order some more robust hardware. Now let me concentrate."

Part 11

[muscl4life]

This was indeed a very funny chapter, it is nice to see how they adapt to getting even bigger and more muscular and still having a "normal" household interaction with their AI housekeeper.

Thanks again!

[nnnrg]

I like the kitchen robot acting like a bratty pre-teen.